Tool Belt

I will begin by admitting that I have neglected my blog.  I can only write something when I feel inspired and this week I got slapped with some inspiration.  For Christmas this year my wonderful Dad gave me a new Bible with my name engraved on the front cover.  Inside he wrote, "When I became a parent I asked my father why he didn't give me the instruction manual?  I realize now that he did, I just didn't know it.  This Bible is the only instruction manual you will need. It is the best tool to have in your tool belt. You just need to use it. Love you, Dad"  Since I received this Bible on Christmas day I have been using it as my instruction manual.  My Dad always tells me that everything that I do, lesson I learn, certification I get, or degree, is just another tool in my tool belt.  I have told him on several occasions that I have so many tools in my belt that its pulling my pants down.  What is great about the instruction manual that he gave me is that I am learning and growing more than I ever thought I would.  I already had a Bible, in fact I have several, but because this one was given to me by my Dad I am using it more than I ever have.  I find comfort in just looking at it when I am stressed or sad.  And one day I will give one to my son and write the very same inscription in his Bible.  

At my church today our pastor quoted Romans 8:28 and it has stuck in my mind all day.  So this evening I pulled out my instruction manual and read it again.  Only I read a little further and it says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified, those he justified, he also glorified." (Romans 8:28-30)  This scripture tells me that even in the hard times and through our suffering God has a plan for us.  We just have to trust in him and work hard to be like his son.

I am always wondering why do bad and sad situations happen?  Why doesn't God just make everything we go through easy?  Why does he take good people who we love away from us unexpectedly, or allow us to watch them suffer and them take them?  These are the questions I struggle with the most.  Reading this scripture helped me to understand that not everything that happens to us or to the ones we love is going to be good.  God has a purpose for us and unfortunately we have to go through hard times and suffering on our journey to him. About 6 years ago I was suffering and I didn't understand.  "I am a good person! Why are you making me suffer?", I would yell out while crying on the floor.  I didn't get it. I didn't understand and I truly believed I was being punished for the things I had done.  I now realize that I was not being punished and my relationship with God has grown and it was him who pulled me out of that darkness. 

I still have bad days and hard situations I have to deal with, but I am able to handle them better now.  I am surrounded by blessing and even the smallest thing is a blessing from God.  When I think about the dark times in my life and small blessings I see the big picture.  God has given me strength to make it out of the darkness and I thank him everyday for that.  Mother Teresa said, "Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."  God is there always waiting for you to ask for his help.  He will always give it to you....all you have to do is ask for help and accept it.  So my lesson learned is "God works for the good for those who love him...".

    



    

Disappointment Is A Hard Pill To Swallow

Have you ever been disappointed?  Have you ever ordered something out of the Victoria's Secret catalogue that was just amazing and you knew that it would look so amazing on you too?  You anxiously wait for 7 to 10 days for it to be delivered (that is if it's not on back order).  Then the day finally arrives when you pull into your driveway and see it!  You see that white plastic bag with the black UPS label on it. You can't wait to get it inside so that you can rip, not cut, into that bag.  As you pull out the item or items that you ordered your first thought is, "This sure does feel light weight".  Next you might think, "Don't really remember it looking this cheap in the catalogue". Then finally you say "Screw it! Lets get this thing on, it's gotta look better on".  So you hurry to your bedroom and get undressed to get redressed.  The verdict is......you look terrible! While standing in front of your bathroom mirror you remember you have had a child, or several children. You have that tattoo on your hip from your college days. The tattoo use to be cute and petite, but has now been stretched out, (due to children and late night binges at Taco Bell) and now is unrecognizable.  The backs of your legs are razor burned and a bit lumpier than you remember.  What comes next?  Disappointment!  If you are like me you may keep the item hoping that if you join Weight Watchers, exercise daily, and give up wine, you will be able to get into that item.  Then you put it in your undergarment drawer, where it stays for several years, and then you give it away. Why? Because looking at it just reminds you of the disappointment you felt for the five minutes you had it on your body.  

I have had lots of disappointments in my life.  I am sure everyone has.  Some are worse than others and some hurt more than others.  Some we are able to get over quickly and some we hold onto for the rest of our lives.  I have a top ten list but I won't share all of those with you.  Instead, I will share my top three disappointments.  
#3-  My senior prom date.  Long story short he was "RUDE" and ruined the entire night for me.
#2-  Having to move back for Lafayette when I was at ULL.  I was disappointed in myself because I screwed up.  All I had to do was go to school and make decent, not great, but decent grades and I didn't do it.  Sorry about that Mom and Dad.
#1-  The marriage proposal I never got.  True, I was five months pregnant, but I still wanted it to be special. Instead he gave me the money to go and buy a fake ring for myself.  I brought him the ring box that was wrapped and decorated with a pretty silver bow. I was expecting the down on one knee, romantic words, and tears proposal. I got the sitting on a mattress on the floor, in the middle of his den, putting the ring on my own finger, while he left me there so he could go use the restroom.  I cried and it was not because of romance.
This was the moment that I had dreamed about, prayed about, and just knew since I was a little girl would be special.  I don't know if anyone will ever propose again, but I sure hope it does not involve a mattress on the floor.  

I wish I knew how to handle disappointment better, but I don't.   I keep thinking that it will get easier with age, but it doesn't.  To me disappointment seems to get harder as I get older and that really stinks.  I am, however, learning from these disappointment.  When I don't get hired for a job, I move on and find a better one. When I get stood up on a date and get some lame excuse as to why he can't make it, I move on and never go out with him again.  When I don't fit into an awesome outfit that I order out of a catalogue, I send it back and get something else.  I will not let disappointment ruin my life!  Disappointment is a part of life and it is not going away, so we have to learn to move on and let it go.  Lesson learned is that disappointment is a hard pill to swallow, so swallow it, and chase it with a glass of wine. 

Don't get between me and my Chi (iron that is)

I lost someone very special to me last week.  I was devastated and my heart is still aching.  My Chi iron died! I know, I know this is awful news.  I could not believe it when I went to turn it on and no red light appeared.  I thought the electrical plug needed to be reset so I quickly pushed the reset button and still nothing.  Perhaps I blew a fuse, yes, that has to be it. I ran to the fuse box and looked very carefully.  It was not a blown fuse. The plug did not need to be reset and I had not blown a fuse. What was wrong with my precious Chi? I was very concerned at this point.  My last resort was to check to see if it would work in another electrical plug......I checked it in every plug in my room and still nothing.  I stood in my room with my Chi laying on my bed and my hands covering my mouth. I kept saying out loud, "This is not happening!"  I really was upset that my Chi iron had broken!!!!!!

Why all the fuss over a flat iron? Well I have had this Chi since before my son was born.  It has been there for me in good hair days and in bad, but it gave me way more good hair than bad.  Not only could it straighten my hair but it could curl it too.  The flat iron is a wonderful invention and the Chi iron is the most amazing flat iron in the world.  People can just say, "I used my Chi today", and people know exactly what you are talking about.  Well, all women and some men.  The Chi does not discriminate. It loves all types of hair and all lengths.  My Chi iron was always there for me.  Always waiting for me next to my sink.  It has seen me live the single life, it was there during my pregnancy, the day I got married, the day my marriage ended, and when I started a new life for myself.  It never let me down and never left my side.

I have had some heartbreak and loss in my life that has literally brought me to my knees.  I have cried so many tears that I could have filled a large bathtub.  I have hidden myself and my heart for almost six years and now it is time to let all the loss and heartache from my past go.  Yes I am sad that my Chi iron is gone, but like the heartbreak I have suffered, it is in my past.  It is time to let go and start over!  It is good when we get start over, even if we have to start over again and again.  We fall down, our hearts get broken, people leave us, our Chi dies, whatever the situation we must move forward.  Take it from me, if you hold on to bad situations from your past you won't ever be happy.  If you keep going over how badly you got hurt you won't ever be happy.  For me personally, I am tired of living in the past and being angry about things that have happened to me.  I was in a marriage that lasted 5 months and the divorce took almost 2 years.  I was 24 when I got married and now that I am about to turn 30 I think it is time to let it all go.  I may not be married again, or even dating, but that is ok because I am doing good on my own.  Well, that's a lie, I am not on my own.  I have the most amazing son, family, group of friends, and God helping me everyday to be happy and let go of the past.  Letting go of extreme hurt is NOT easy, but it can be done.  I now have a new red Chi iron and every morning when I switch it on I am reminded that I get to start over and leave the past behind me.   The lesson learned is it's hard to let go of people or situations from our past that have hurt us, but when we do we get to start over and that is so awesome! 

Face first into the Christmas tree

I was shopping recently with my grandmother and we had made a special trip to a new interior design store that had just opened.  I love shopping for clothes, shoes, and home decor. So I was really excited to get into this store and see what they had to offer.  It is hard to put into words how I feel when I walk into a beautiful store and get to buy something.  It brings me JOY! I get butterflies in my stomach and I walk around with a smile on my face.  I tell you all of this so that you understand how I was feeling the moment just before I opened the door to this beautiful store.  I opened the door for my grandmother (who shares the same affection I do for shopping) and followed her in. Just as I was passing through the doorway I saw her! Oh no! Not her! My butterflies turned into nausea.  I quickly moved to the right side of the store where there was a beautifully decorated Christmas tree.  The tree was pushed up against a wall and I was unable to get behind it. So I pushed my face so close to the tree acting as if I was closely examining a Christmas ornament.  I am sure the lady that I pushed out of the way was wondering why I was face to face with a gold and green ornament.  I was afraid to turn around so I tried to breath very quietly so I could hear her voice.  I heard the fake laugh and the clack of her, what she thinks are expensive, boots.  I remember the sound of those boots as she walked and her, I am better than you, attitude.  "Just leave, just leave, just leave!", is all I kept saying in my head. Finally I heard her say her goodbyes and walk out the door. A huge sigh flew out of my mouth and I turned around and peeked around the corner to make sure she was gone.  I had to find something quickly to purchase to make this nausea and anxiety go away. 

Why all drama?  Well I am a Drama Queen! When I have to choose to fight or to flight.......I run like hell and hide! Like my dad I don't like confrontation, but unlike my dad I always seem to end up in it. I don't understand how this happens.  I may look tough and well dressed, but really I am a big chicken. I don't like scary movies and I don't like to be around people who scare me.  Now this woman can't hurt me physically. Trust me in a boxing match I could take her, but for some reason I allow her to make me feel inferior.  She is the classic passive aggressive person.  She will smile at you while giving you backhanded compliments.  Not sure what I mean? Here is an example,  "Oh love those shoes. You look cute in those even with thick ankles."  For some reason people who have the attitude that they are better than me really scare me.  Another example of a person who could be passive aggressive is a person whose boyfriend broke up with her by not showing up to his house on the day she came in from out of town to visit him.  He sends her an ugly text message ending the relationship and leaves her heartbroken .  Instead of responding to the ugly message right away she goes into the unlocked house and helps him by cleaning his toilet.....with his toothbrush.  She waits a few days and then sends a message simply letting him know that she had done some cleaning for him while waiting and hated that things didn't work out.  I have no experience with this sort of thing I'm just sayin'. 

Back to flight.  It is amazing how we can let fear or hurt take over our bodies.  I am the worst at running away from fear and hurt, but this is another thing in my life that I am trying to work on.  Instead of putting my face in the Christmas tree display I should have walked up to her with my head held up high, flashing my fabulous Michael Kors handbag, and said hello.  I can't promise that the next time I see her I won't run, but I am going to try not to.  Lesson learned is when you are afraid do not stick your face in the Christmas tree.

"Did you win Mama?"

I have never been a person who has followed a map, made a grocery list, obeyed the rules, or just made the right choice the first, second, or third time around.  I am a procrastinator who tries to take short cuts but ends up going the wrong way .  I am a sensitive person who cries a lot and is always worrying about something.  I am labeled the "Drama Queen" in my family and I have yet to see anyone else wear the crown as good as I do.  I got pregnant when I was 23 years old, then got married, then separated 5 months after we wed, and finally I got divorced.  The story is a lot longer than that but this is the short and sweet version.  I will save you the details on the Honeymoon at Sea World. The most important part of this story is that I got pregnant! It was unexpected and hurt the people I love the most, but Morgan is the most amazing little boy and he has changed me for the better.  I tell him all the time that God blessed me the day he was born.  I know I sound like a Hallmark card but I am just being honest.  Because I like to do things backwards and take the accidental long route, I was 28 when I finally got my bachelors degree.  It was a long road of working a full time job, raising my son, and going to class at night. I would do homework after Morgan had gone to bed and sometimes stay up until early morning. I thought that I would never finish and seriously thought about giving up on school.  I have quit lots of things in my life but I am trying to break that habit.  During this time there was a lot of frustration, and hiding in my closet crying, and just wanting to say forget it!  I could not have finished without my parents help and pushing me to better myself.  It was also so important to me that my son see me finish something!  In December of 2009 my graduation had come and I have to say that putting on that cap and gown was well worth all the frustration and all the tears.  I have not done too many things in my life that I am proud of, but there are two things that I am proud of myself for.  They are being a mom and graduating from college.  As I walked into the huge venue where the graduation was being held I saw my dad crying, my mom cheering, and my son smiling. After my named had been called, the pictures with family had been taken, and hugs were shared, everyone left.  Morgan and I were the last to leave and as we walked to my car I had my cap in one hand and Morgan's hand in the other.  He was silent as we walked with a very serious look on his face and then he stopped, looked up at me, grinned and asked, "Did you win Mama?".  I looked down at him and could feel the warm tears fall down my cheeks and with a smile on my face I said, "Yes baby, I did win".  So the lesson that I have learned is that no matter how hard the journey is, if you finish, you win.